J.D. Salinger is my God. A play in one act by Caitlin Gilman Scene 1 A New York loft. A kitchen area SL. A round table and chairs SR. There is a couch, coffee table and a few armchairs. Magazines and ashtrays adorn the tables. There are two doors leading to the bedrooms and one to the outside. One bedroom door is open with a bathrobe draped over it. AMANDA sits at the round table, she is a young woman of about 25 with dirty blond curls and long nails which she is currently filing. JULIET enters. She is 22, dark haired and pale, she wears a raccoon coat and carries a large awkward bouquet of roses. AMANDA What’s that there? JULIET A dozen red roses, all done up in satin ribbon, ferns, babies’ breath and calla lilies. AMANDA Callas with roses? JULIET That’s Bradley for you. A perfect romantic gesture made ridiculous. Look here Manda, there are two calla lilies. One for each year he has known and loved me. AMANDA Precious. JULIET Isn’t it? Where should I put them? How about the corner next to his socks. AMANDA Your mother called. JULIET Again? AMANDA She said it was urgent. JULIET Damn it. AMANDA Are you going to call her? JULIET Maybe later. AMANDA What’s wrong with now? JULIET She’ll ask me about Bradley. AMANDA So? JULIET I don’t want to talk about him. I always threaten to refuse him when I discuss it with her. AMANDA You shouldn’t worry her like that. JULIET I don’t want it to be too great of a shock. AMANDA You’re refusing Bradley? JULIET Yes. AMANDA You won’t refuse Bradley. JULIET I might. How do you know? AMANDA You’ve invested too much time in him. Besides, he loves you. JULIET But not in the right ways. AMANDA Juliet, darling, what exactly are the right ways to love someone. JULIET Well, its more then giving me bizarre bouquets of roses on our anniversary. AMANDA You wish he was more like Seymour. JULIET I do not. AMANDA You do. That’s exactly it. You wish he’d give you German Poems instead of roses. JULIET Seymour put a bullet in his head. AMANDA And haunted everyone who loved him for the rest of their miserable lives. You want to be haunted by the ghost of Bradley Fisher. JULIET Don’t be absurd Manda. I don’t wish Bradley was anything at all like Seymour. She lights a cigarette. I maybe wish he was a little more like J.D. but only a little. AMANDA So, other then the small fact of his inability to measure up to your favorite author you are perfectly satisfied with Bradley? JULIET Perfectly. AMANDA Then what do you want to go scaring your mother for? JULIET I don’t know. Mother thinks he’s my very last chance. She thinks every boyfriend I’ve had since I was 14 was my very last chance and its fun to scare her. She’s always wrong anyway. AMANDA Up to this point. JULIET You don’t agree with her do you? AMANDA No. I don’t think that Bradley is your very last chance, I just think that he’s a damn good one. JULIET You can think that then. AMANDA I can, and I do. Now if you’ll excuse me I have to run and meet Justin, who need I remind you has never brought me flowers of any kind. JULIET He’s never given you anything other then that ring and a smug expression you wear too often. AMANDA And that is more than enough for me. JULIET And for your mother I suppose, have a lovely time Manda. AMANDA Cheers, don’t pout while I’m away. AMANDA exits. Juliet removes her raccoon coat and hangs it over the back of the sofa. She goes over to a pile of New Yorkers and thumbs through them until she finds the one she wants, carries it to the table and sits down. JULIET Fiction, fiction, ah. She begins reading, sucking on her hair and whispering a few favorite phrases. The doorbell rings, she looks up. JULIET Who is it? No answer. She gets up and opens the door cautiously. J.D. Salinger enters the room. He is in his early thirties and wears a gray three-piece suit with a fedora. He removes the hat upon entering and lights up a cigarette. JULIET J.D.? SALINGER Call me Jerry will you? It will make you appear a bit less like a star struck fan. JULIET But- SALINGER And of course I know that’s exactly what you are, and we’ll deal with that later. Close the magazine will you, the last thing I want to look at right now is my own published work. JULIET You’re not supposed to be rude. SALINGER Who are you to say what I’m supposed to be or not be? JULIET It’s my apartment. SALINGER If you like. I’m here now, isn’t that what’s important. And honestly buddy I don’t see the point of my being here in the flesh if I only say all the things I usually say in your head. JULIET So you won’t be talking love to me? SALINGER Maybe later. Now listen darling, you’ve got yourself in a bit of a mess here and seeing as you idolize me I thought I’d come straighten you out. Put your cigarette out. JULIET What? SALINGER Your cigarette put it out before you burn yourself. JULIET Dammit! She crosses to the nearest ashtray, puts the cigarette out and sits down. Thank you. SALINGER It happens, here, have another. Anyway, he lights the cigarette for her. Anyway we need to talk about Bradley. JULIET No, we really don’t. SALINGER Fine, what do you feel is more important? JULIET What you’re doing here, and why you’ve never come before and why you don’t sound a bit like I imagined you. SALINGER Your imagination has had nothing to go on but my stories, talk to me about Bradley. JULIET Bradley Fisher, 6’3’’, Brown eyes, good family, annoying as hell. SALINGER I see. Pause. So this young man, despite being “terribly attractive” not to mention rich, well connected, promising future and all that, he gets on your nerves. JULIET Yes. SALINGER He doesn’t understand you. JULIET Yes. SALINGER You think he’s fake, dry, void of soul and quite simply nothing but a glorious imposter. JULIET Exactly! He just talks and talks and it doesn’t matter if it’s about world politics or the weather, or God, or me, its all the same. Same preppy college boy tone, same adjectives. SALINGER Horrible. JULIET And he thinks its me. The one time I asked him if he absolutely HAD to say that four successive things were “very impressive” he got all over me for being judgmental. And I just sat there and thought, how relieving to be judgmental instead of impressive. SALINGER Is the problem with his vocabulary or his ideals? JULIET Both, its- I don’t want to talk about him. You’re here, why would we talk about Bradley? SALINGER I thought it might be very impressive. JULIET Why are you ruining my fantasy? SALINGER Variation buddy, I’m mixing things up a bit. JULIET No! No you’re ruining it. I know how you sound when you talk to me and this is NOT it. SALINGER Were you expecting Seymour? JULIET I wasn’t expecting anyone. SALINGER I’m not Seymour you know. No one can actually be Seymour and if they were they’d kill themselves. JULIET Why do poets have to die? SALINGER It helps people remember them. This whole goddamn apartment smells of nail polish. Do you have any gin? JULIET Yes, in the kitchen, left cubbard, on the top shelf. There's limes somewhere too. SALINGER Splendid. You want a drink sweetheart? JULIET Yes please. He goes into the kitchen, she sits on the sofa in front of the New Yorker. SALINGER Don’t open the magazine; can you do me that one favor? I mean really, why don’t you read some of the people I quote? JULIET The Japanese poets? SALINGER Or Kafka, or Shakespeare for crying out loud. JULIET I’m sorry Jerry, I’ll try to be more literate. SALINGER Here, drink your gin. JULIET Thanks, I’m parched. I didn’t realize till you mentioned drinks how much I wanted one. SALINGER Well that’s obviously why I’m here isn’t it? I’ve come all the way from New Hampshire to mix your gin and keep you from burning your fingers on your goddamn cigarettes. JULIET Why are you here Jerry? SALINGER Have you put those roses in water? JULIET They’re lying on the table, still in their ribbon, so no. SALINGER You might want to put those things in water. JULIET Why? SALINGER Because there's a diamond ring around the stem of one of the goddamn calla lilies. JULIET No way. SALINGER Go and see. JULIET There’s no way he could take it that far. SALINGER I’m afraid your game is up darling. You are going to have to give the king of hypocrites, not to mention the rest of the waiting world, an answer. JULIET But Bradley’s not, I can’t believe he’d be such a coward. I mean that’s so CUTE. SALINGER Dreadful word. That is one area where I agree with Seymour. Cute is a word that should be eliminated from the English language. Juliet has risen slowly and approached the roses. It’s really there. Open and see if you still doubt me. Beautiful three stone setting belonged to his Great Aunt, the one with the hat with all the goddamn violets, real gorgeous antique. Try it on. JULIET Why did you tell me this? SALINGER I thought it fitting I should be here. I sort of see myself as Bradley’s greatest rival. JULIET You’re a bastard is what you are. You knew your presence would make things difficult. SALINGER Actually I thought it would help you make the right decision. JULIET And what would that be? SALINGER Damned if I know. You really think I know everything? JULIET has been staring at the roses; she turns without opening them, downs the remainder of her gin and strides over to SALINGER who has seated himself in one of the armchairs. JULIET Tell me what to do. SALINGER No. JULIET Tell me! SALINGER That’s not my job. JULIET You don’t have a job. You used to be a writer but now you’re just a legend who hides in the woods. SALINGER I came to tell you what happened, not what to do about it. JULIET Then you have nothing more to say to me? SALINGER I might, you’re being difficult right now so I don’t feel like talking to you anymore. JULIET I’m not being difficult! SALINGER Stop contradicting me. Do you have any more gin? JULIET I don’t know, you poured it. SALINGER Well if that’s all there was then its gone. You should go get more. JULIET Should I? SALINGER Yes. I want another drink, and I want a break from you and I think both can be achieved quite easily if you go for a walk and come back with a bottle of gin. JULIET Bastard. SALINGER If you keep calling me that I won’t be here when you get back. JULIET If you don’t promise to wait for me I won’t leave. SALINGER All right then, I promise. Don’t forget your coat. She picks up her coat from the sofa. And don’t hurry. JULIET exits slamming the door. SALINGER lounges on the sofa, smokes. There is a knock at the door. He doesn’t answer. The door is tried cautiously, as it opens, SALINGER stands and ducks inside the open bedroom door. BRADLEY enters. He is an insanely good looking young man in his early 20’s wearing preppy evening clothes. With him is WARREN, the poet, who wears a beret. BRADLEY Come on in. WARREN Is your girlfriend home? BRADLEY Doesn’t appear to be. Juliet!….no. Come in anyway, she doesn’t mind. WARREN You’re sure about that. BRADLEY Positive. We’re practically married anyway. WARREN Congratulations. BRADLEY Thanks. Half the reason I came out tonight was to distract myself from thinking about it. You know Warren, asking a girl to marry you isn’t easy. WARREN I didn’t know it was supposed to be. He notices the magazine So she does read Salinger. Wasn’t Catcher in the Rye one of the most defining books you ever read? BRADLEY I never read it. WARREN You’re shitting me. BRADLEY I have no reason to do that, less even than I have to read prose fiction about a spoiled brat alcoholic. WARREN Salinger's poetry. BRADLEY Why? WARREN It’s the way he puts things. As if he’s showing you your own face there on the page, and he’s laughing, so you laugh too, only half realizing that you’re laughing at yourself. BRADLEY Why is that poetry? WARREN I guess because its true. Poets condense truth into words and make the most hideous and heart wrenching things beautiful. BRADLEY Interesting perspective. WARREN Thanks. BRADLEY Now I always thought poetry was bullshit, which as I’m sure you realize is the opposite of truth. WARREN You haven’t changed a bit have you? You’re still that snotty nosed eight-year-old with a pristine collar and the biggest stick. BRADLEY Where as you have changed so much you might be called a traitor to your heritage. WARREN You know you should really read Catcher. I think you would benefit hugely from laughing at your own face. BRADLEY I very much doubt that any mere writer could make me find my face amusing. WARREN Why did you bring me here? BRADLEY You wanted to meet Juliet. WARREN That’s right, I wanted to meet your girlfriend because you said she was beautiful and read the same books as me. What I can’t figure out is, given my reasons for wanting to meet Juliet, why would you want me to meet her. BRADLEY I’m not that type of man. WARREN Not the jealous type? BRADLEY I’m the type that other men are jealous of. WARREN Because of her right? BRADLEY And my money. WARREN No. Money is something any man can make, or inherit. But every girl is different and a pretty one who’s already spoken for will strike jealousy into a man’s heart and leave a hole no amount of money can fill. BRADLEY Stop talking in the abstract. WARREN Can’t follow? I just mean if she’s as beautiful as you claim, and if she loves you, then you’re very lucky. And chances are you’re right about others envying you. BRADLEY You say that like you doubt she loves me. WARREN How sure are you that she does? BRADLEY I’m sure. WARREN Then why didn’t you ask her straight out? BRADLEY I’m trying to be romantic. Juliet likes romance; she’s funny that way. WARREN Well, I’m sorry I didn’t get to meet her, she sounds real nice. BRADLEY She’ll turn up. WARREN I’m sure she will, but I don’t feel right about sitting in her apartment and waiting. BRADELY Where are you going? WARREN Back to the bar, you coming? BRADLEY Of course. WARREN Well come on then. They exit. JULIET enters. She looks around the apartment which appears to be empty. She sets the down the bag with the gin heavily on the table, takes off her coat. SALINGER enters from her bedroom, she runs to him. JULIET You’re still here! SALINGER I promised I’d stay, do you think I am a liar? JULIET I’m just surprised. SALINGER Your boyfriend dropped by. JULIET What? SALINGER Don’t worry I didn’t reveal myself. He was making an ass of himself and I noticed. JULIET Sounds like Bradley, he didn’t see you here? SALINGER No. JULIET Good. Jerry? SALINGER Yes, dear. JULIET Talk love to me. SALINGER Why? JULIET That’s what we do in my head. First we rail against phonies, then we talk love. SALINGER Give me an example. JULIET When I look at you my hear sweats and I feel the blood in my ears pounding to get out. SALINGER Do you say that sort of thing to him? JULIET To who? SALINGER Bradley. JUILET I’m not in love with him. SALINGER I don’t think he knows that. He thinks you’re a sweet girl, a slight bit temperamental perhaps, but not downright malicious enough to lead him on for two years and then fling his huge romantic gesture back in his startled face. JULIET I never told him I loved him. SALINGER True. Every time the subject came up you stuck your tongue in his mouth. JULEIT God you’re vile. You’re so vile its not even funny. If you’re not going to talk love to me you could at least say something nice. He takes the gin out of the bag and fixes them both another drink. She sits on the sofa and opens the New Yorker. As he carries the drinks back; SALINGER The good girl sits in her flat and smolders. She lusts not so much for the author who dwells among the glossy pages of the New Yorker, as for the young actor he has painted with such precision. JULIET Go on. SALINGER No, I need to stop now. JULIET Why? Are you scared? SALINGER Maybe. Most men would say I’m an idiot. There really is nothing sexier then adoration. JULIET And I adore you. SALINGER To a fault. I was going to make visiting you my good deed for the decade. Save you from yourself or some shit like that. But you’ve gone and pushed me into a place where this visit could end up looking like the most selfish thing I’ve ever done. JULEIT You can be selfish. You’ve given the world your books; you don’t owe it anything else. SALINGER Two books pays my debt to the world? JULIET Its enough for me. SALINGER You only say that because you’ve got me in pouncing distance. Got me on your goddamn living room sofa. When I leave you’ll want me to publish a new book same as everyone else. JULIET I’ll want you to write one about me. SALINGER For Juliet- with love and squalor? JULIET Come into my room. SALINGER Have you made up your mind so completely? JULIET About what? About wanting you? SALINGER About the ring sweetheart. JULIET I only have your word that the ring even exists. SALINGER So you don’t believe me? JULIET Come into my room. SALINGER Are you sure that’s wise? JULIET I’m sure its what I want. And I’m just drunk and arrogant enough to think you want it too. SALINGER You move real fast buddy, I’m not necessarily going to be able to keep up. JULET You want me Jerry? SALINGER Not in the way you want me to darling. But I am beginning to see the majority of mankind’s point. He kisses her. JULIET Oh my God. SALINGER That’s one to tell your Grandchildren about. JULET Oh my God. SALINGER Shall I continue, or are you the sort of girl who requires dinner first. JULEIT For you Jerry, I’m easy as olives. SALINGER I’m not sure I understood that. JULIET You will, come. She leads him backwards into her bedroom and shuts the door. She has to remove the bathrobe in order to do this. Blackout. Scene 2 The next morning. Juliet enters slowly from her room. She goes to the kitchen and starts coffee, then turns her attention to the roses. She sits and pulls them towards her, unties the ribbon and spreads the flowers on the table. She inspects the calla lilies, selects the appropriate one and slides the ring off. There is a note twisted around the ring, she reads it. JULIET Goddamn it Bradley. SALINGER enters behind her. He has his coat over his arm and ruffles her hair as he passes to get his hat. JULIET Good Morning Jerry. SALINGER Morning darling. I see you found the ring. JULIET Did you read the note? SALINGER I didn’t unwrap the roses, is it what you want? JULIET You know this isn’t what I want. I told you what I wanted. SALINGER And I gave it to you. Wasn’t too hard either. If we’re lucky we’ll get away with it and no hearts will be broken. JULIET What do you mean? SALINGER I mean no one has to know about our little indiscretion. You don’t need to tell anyone. JULIET No one would believe me. SALINGER Good point. JULIET Where are you going? SALINGER Home. One of the nice things about being inconspicuous is that no one will have noticed I’m gone. But I actually do need to keep up appearances. It’s a well known fact that I’m hiding out in Cornish, New Hampshire, not in a New York City loft. JULIET Can I come with you? SALINGER I don’t receive visitors. JULIET I don’t mean to visit. SALINGER Didn’t we just meet? JULIET Doesn’t feel that way. I want to disappear with you. SALINGER I can’t always give you what you want. JULIET Why not? You want to talk about why I need to disappear? You want to talk about Bradley? SALINGER Not anymore. JULIET That’s why you came isn’t it? You came to talk about what was wrong with Bradley and tell me he’d proposed and see if I’d accept him. SALINGER Sounds familiar. JULIET I won’t accept him if you take me away with you right now. I won’t ever have to see him again. SALINGER That won’t solve anything. JULIET It will solve everything! I can be with you and I won’t have to face him. I won’t have to tell Brad hat he doesn’t have the faintest goddamn idea what I want. I mean, I only mentioned the idea of callas being morbidly romantic ONCE and that was three months ago. Please take me with you Jerry. SALINGER Okay listen here kid. I can’t take you back to Cornish with me. I can’t because it would be boring and its not what you want. Don’t give me that look Julie, I actually do know what you want in this case and coming away with me is not it. Do you know what I do there? I hole myself up in a shed with my typewriter and chain smoke. That’s it. No goddamn walks in the country, no candlelight dinners. I write and I smoke, which is why I live in the backwoods of New Hampshire without a phone in the first place. You live in New York City for crying out loud. You live here, in one of the most exiting cities in the world and you’re going to stay here and accomplish things that you’d only be able to dream of if you’re knocking on the shed door every day at five with potato soup. If you can’t stand the pressure of this city, if you can’t face your mother’s phone calls, and Bradley’s fumbles, and the sunrise over the Brooklyn Bridge. If you can’t enjoy going to theaters and drinking dry olive martinis in dusty red velvet lobbies. If the pressures of growing up and working and learning and loving imperfect people, and living the sort of life that a man growing old in a shed might term “conventional” is just too much for you to handle then you’re going to have to disappear on your own. JULIET You’re abandoning me. SALINGER I didn’t know I owed you anything. JULIET You don’t, but- SALINGER I’m not nice buddy, I mess people up. I understand them a little too well and then they get attached and start wanting things. I didn’t mean to hurt you, but I also don’t make mistakes. I’m a writer for crying out loud. I tried to do you a favor and you wouldn’t let me, so I did something else for you instead. Hey with a face like that it can’t be the first time. JULIET How many geniuses do you think I’ve slept with? SALINGER No genius is worth throwing your life away Julie. No religion is worth giving up on your dreams, and no prayer will save you from your family’s annoying concern. Give me a kiss before I go. She shakes her head. Come here Juliet. My pretty darling girl who I am not allowing to join me in my self made haven from meddling editors, come to me. She crosses quickly and hides her face against him. They change the titles of your stories Juliet, be careful. JULIET Don’t leave Jerry, please. SALINGER Don’t beg buddy it doesn’t suit you. JULIET What should I do? SALINGER Go hunt bananafish JULIET I’m not three years old, and you’re not Seymour, you said so yourself. SALINGER Good memory baby. He kisses her, she clings to him but he frees himself and puts his hat on. Don’t cry, I’ll publish another book. He exits. She goes to the table, buries her face in the roses and sobs. AMANDA enters from her bedroom. She has just woken up. AMANDA Morning. No answer. What’s wrong honey? JULIET I made coffee is it ready? AMANDA Yeah. You want some? JULIET Yes please. AMANDA We don’t have any cream. JULIET That’s all right. I’ll drink it black. AMANDA Here. I don’t know how you can drink black coffee. I can’t stand anything that bitter. JULIET You drink gin. Where are my cigarettes? AMANDA Here, you can have this one. Why are you crying? Or do you not want to talk about it yet. JULIET Look at this. AMANDA It’s beautiful, should I congratulate you? JULIET No. I’m not engaged. AMANDA Then what are you doing with what appears to be a very expensive diamond ring? JULIET He hid it in the roses. Around the stem of one of those hateful calla lilies with this note; “I hope this is what you want, love Bradley.” AMANDA Damn. I’m sorry Juliet. JULIET This is a really good cigarette, thank you. AMANDA You’re welcome. JULIET Will you call Bradley and ask him to come over. AMANDA You can’t call? JULIET I don’t want to talk to him. AMANDA You want to see him but not talk to him? JULIET I need to do both together. Will you please just call him up and say I want to see him. Tell him to come here okay? AMANDA Okay, you want me to leave? JULIET Maybe, if you wanted to. I don’t know Manda I’m real mixed up right now. AMANDA Maybe you should wait to talk to Bradley. JULIET No. I have to do it now. Right now or I’ll have nothing driving me. Call him. AMANDA All right. She goes to the phone and dials. Hello, Bradley? Its Amanda. Listen Juliet wants you to come over. No, right now. Oh, and Brad, could you bring some cream over? We’re out and we want to drink coffee…sure, bagels would be lovely. Thanks Bradley, see you soon. She hangs up. He’s coming over. JULIET Why did you ask for cream? AMANDA I can’t drink coffee without it, and I want coffee. JULIET It will slow him down. AMANDA I know. You need the time. JULIET I do not. AMANDA Have you looked in the mirror? JULIET No. AMANDA Well, you’ve got work to do before we receive any visitors. Why don’t you go take a bath? No use haunting the window while Bradley shops for the perfect bagels for his engagement breakfast. JULIET Don’t be horrible. AMANDA I’m sorry. Go take a bath, it will help, I promise. JULIET Yeah? AMANDA Go on. I’ll let you know the minute I see him coming. She pushes Juliet out of the room. SCENE 3 JULIE has dressed and is pacing before the windows. She stops, drinks coffee, and resumes pacing. AMANDA enters, also dressed for the day. AMANDA Can I borrow your coat? JULIET No. Why? AMANDA I’m going out. JULIET You haven’t had your coffee yet. AMANDA They have coffee at Jonathon’s. Coffee, cream, eggs, toast, and the paper, I’ll be set for a while. JULIET I’m not kicking you out. AMANDA I know you’re not. I’m leaving. You can come see me when its over and eat my crusts or something. Can I wear your coat? JULIET Be careful with it. AMANDA Always. JULIET What’s taking him so long? AMDNDA He’s probably nervous, don’t worry. Knock at door. You want me to get that? JULIET nods. AMANDA crosses to the door and opens it. BRADLEY stands there, holding a paper bag. He wears a beret and hasn’t shaved. BRADLEY Good morning Amanda. AMANDA Hey. You have something on your face. BRADLEY Where? AMANDA Sort of smeared along your jaw. Did we call too early? BRADLEY I’ve been up since five. AMANDA Okay. Anyway I’m out of here, you kids have fun. JULIET Bye Manda. AMANDA Bye Julie. Cheers. JULIET Cheers. AMANDA exits. BRADLEY goes to the table and starts laying out a spread of bagels, lox, cream cheese and fruit. JULIET watches him and smokes. BRADLEY grins at her. BRADLEY Well, good morning to you too baby, are you hungry? I totally knocked myself out so I hope you’re hungry. I was out in the village last night, drinking with these two guys and they’re writers, total Bohemians, its precious. So anyway I started getting all over their case about the relevance of art in a post war society, quoting William’s lectures and making all these brilliant points. All they could say in their defense was that I couldn’t understand the relevance of art because I wasn’t an artist. I had no artistic soul. So I said anyone could be an artist, its just a matter of stringing words together or smearing paint on canvass, and this one guy, his name is Wallace or Warren or something, turns out I knew him in grade school and now he’s a poet. I maintained that critical essays were much harder to write than poetry and he disagreed. So we decided to meet the following day, tonight, and he’d read me his essay, and I’d read him my poems. JULIET You don’t write poetry. BRADLEY I know! But I will, today. JULIET Is that why you're wearing that silly hat? BRADLEY You don’t like it? I think it looks kind of suave. I look like a hep dog. JULIET Hep cat dear. BRADLEY But dogs are bigger. JULIET In most cases. BRADELY I’m trying to get into a mood. Like those actors who are always “getting into character” and trying to “feel” things. Today I’m trying to feel like a poet. I thought I was doing a pretty good job. JULIET You look silly. BRADLEY Oh come off it Julie, I know how wild writers make you. JULIET You’re not a writer Bradley. BRADLEY Today I am. Its fun too, maybe I’ll keep it up for a while, write a book called “my life as a bohemian lawyer". Laughs What’s wrong Julie? You look like someone broke your heart. Want a bagel? JULIET No thank you. BRADLEY Oh come on, they’re delicious, you can’t survive on coffee and cigarettes. JULIET It’s the food of poets. BRADLEY So are bagels. This bakery in the village is amazing. I’ll take you there sometime, maybe introduce you to Warren. You’d probably like him, he reads Salinger. JULIET How do you know? BRADLEY Because he wouldn’t shut up about it. He found it inconceivable that I’d never read “Catcher in the Rye” and I said that my girlfriend has read it six times which is more then enough for any two people. I ended up promising to read it if we ever broke up, I hoped that was a safe bet. Since I gave you the flowers and everything. JULIET You should read Catcher, it’s a brilliant book. BRADLEY Aw, Julie, you think anything he writes is brilliant; you’d probably rave about his grocery list. Did you like the flowers? JULIET You know I did, you were there when I got them. BRADLEY But did you open them? Did you find the ring? JULIET Yes. BRADLEY Do you not like it? I know its not as flashy as some of those new ones. Its an antique, classic. JULIET It belonged to your great Aunt. The one with the hat with all the goddam violets. BRADLEY Aunt Charlotte. How did you know? JULIET Jerry told me. BRADLEY Who the hell is Jerry? JULIET J.D. Salinger, he came to visit me. BRADLEY Sure he did, you losing it or something? Maybe I should take you back to bed. He starts to cross to her. JULIET Don’t do that Bradley, I’ll just start crying. BRADLEY What is up with you? You asked me to come over and now you’re acting like you don’t want to see me. That’s not a nice thing to do to a guy Jules. JULEIT I’m sorry I’m ruining your morning. BRADLEY And why aren’t you wearing my ring? Was it not romantic enough? Do you want me to beg you to be my wife on bended knee? JULIET Why are you so sure I want to marry you mister fake poet? BRADLEY There are no real poets Jules. Just pretentious fools who think they can contribute to society without making money. JULIET Shakespeare was a poet. Chaucer was a poet. Seymour had more poetry in his little finger then you’ll ever write, no matter how many ridiculous hats you wear. BRADLEY You want me to take the hat off? Here. He throws it on the ground. No hat. Shall I go shave? Go put on my suit? You’re always giving me crap for not loosening up, not enjoying myself, not noticing when you put your hair behind your ears. Well, here I am being ridiculous and having fun and giving you presents, and you don’t like that either. JULIET Because its not real. You’re doing it to get me to marry you and make that poet look dumb. Your suit is boring but at least it's honest. At least I can respect you in it. BRADLEY You can’t respect me when I’m not in a suit? JULIET I could if I thought you meant it. She takes the ring out of her pocket and gives it to him. I don’t think you mean it. BRADLEY What the hell Julie. JULIET I don’t think you want me, or rather I don’t think I can be who you want. BRADLEY Why don’t you let me decide what I want? JULIET Well do you want to give me this? Really? I know I look good on your arm but I have read Catcher in the Rye six times and I’d rather move to the African desert than the suburbs. BRADLEY Who said anything about the suburbs? JULIET Isn’t that where lawyers live when they get married? BRADELY No. Its where smart people live when they have kids. JULIET I can’t imagine having kids. I can’t imagine living in the suburbs, I left all that when I came to New York. I came looking for something life changing but I was scared and I found you. And you wanted to protect me and show me off and it felt so good to have someone else making my decisions, I didn’t have to worry, you know? BRADLEY You shouldn’t ever have to worry; I can keep taking care of you. JULIET You make me look good too. You're going places Brad, you’re really smart when you stick to what you know. It's okay that you don’t know poetry Bradley, it really is, but I do know it, and last night I was ready to run away from everything familiar so I could be with someone who understood that. So I could be close to poetry. BRADLEY What are you saying Julie. JULIET J.D. Salinger came to visit me. He sat on the sofa and drank gin. I know you won’t believe me, it's completely unbelievable but he was here. I talked to him. BRADLEY What was he like? JULIET Like an artist. Wonderful, yet deeply flawed. BRADLEY Is that your nice way of saying entertaining but full of shit? JULIET I’m trying to tell you something here. Don’t be horrid. BRADELY You seem to be telling me that your imaginary artist friend means more to you then I do. That you’d rather defend the merits of poetry, then build a future with me. JULIET I’m saying I’m not who I want to be when I’m with you. BRADLEY Oh, well thank you for clearing that up. I feel so much better knowing that I make you someone you don’t like. I suppose you don’t think I have an artistic soul either. JULIET That doesn’t mean I don’t think you have a soul. BRADLEY Do I know you? If I take you out tomorrow will you throw your arms around me and make every guy jealous. JULIET No. I’m sorry. BRADLEY I don’t care how sorry you are. What the hell did I do wrong? Why can’t you marry me? JULIET I don’t love you. There. I’m not in love with you and you can’t expect me to marry someone I don’t love. No matter how much they want me, no matter how committed they are to keeping me safe, and no matter how much it would please my mother. BRADLEY I guess not. But I might expect to have been given this information at an earlier date. JULIET I’m sorry. I thought it would happen, and then I thought it didn’t matter. BRADLEY I see. He goes to the table and starts fixing a bagel with vicious concentration. JULIET Do you want to borrow Catcher? BRADLEY No. JULIET Do you want some coffee? BRADLEY No. I’m fine. JULIET Bradley? He makes a sweeping gesture of dismissal and knocks the paper bag off the table. Juliet picks it up and pulls out a small paper back book. JULIET Oh my God. BRADLEY Oh yes. I got another present. Warren told me it had just come out. I hope you like it. JULIET This is so sweet. BRADLEY So you actually want to keep it. I don’t get you, you return a diamond ring and keep some flimsy novel. JULIET I think it's two short stories. BRADLEY Whatever. JULIET He’s such a bastard. Waits eight years to publish a book and then puts nothing new in it. BRADLEY Do you like it or not. JULIET I love it. I can’t believe you thought of getting it for me. Thank you. BRADLEY You're welcome. I’m leaving now. JULIET All right. BRADLEY If you wake up sometime this week feeling like you made some huge mistake, call me. I’ll wear my suit. JULIET I’ll remember. BRADLEY See you around. He exits. JULIET opens “Franny and Zooey” and reads the dedication. She holds the book to her cheek for a minute, the crosses to the phone and dials. JULIET Hello, Mother? It's Julie. Amanda said you called…I know you called yesterday, I was tired. A lot has happened. I’m fine..what? Yes, yes he did…well so you were right all along about him. Now mother don’t get so exited…because I turned him down..No I’m not fooling. Well I’m sorry okay….I didn’t love him….yes it does too matter. It matters a lot…..Please stop it, stop crying I’ll be fine. I’ll come see you soon so you can rail at me in person about ruining my life. There is a knock at the door. Mother I have to go, someone’s at the door. I love you too, bye. She hangs up the phone and goes and opens the door. WARREN stands there. WARREN Hi. JULIET Hi. WARREN Juliet, right? JULIET Yes. WARREN My name is Warren. JULIET The poet? WARREN Sort of. Is Bradley here? JULIET No. He just left a few minutes ago. I’m surprised you didn’t run into him. WARREN Do you know if he has my hat? JULIET That silly beret is yours? WARREN You think it's silly? JULIET It looked ridiculous on him. I think it's still on my floor, come inside. WARREN Okay, Thanks. JULIET You want coffee? WARREN Yeah, sure. She brings him coffee and his hat, then sits next to him. JULIET So you read Salinger? WARREN He’s my favorite author. JULIET He’s my God. He smiles. They stare at each other. As the lights fade she takes out a cigarette, and he lights it for her. THE END.